i wish you knew
by planet p
Summary: This is what Rory would tell new Jen if he could. That life is like ice-cream: sweet and just a bit sad, at the same time. Fleeting, but, most of all, to be lived. *awful summary; just some maybe thoughts* Episodic fic: The Rebel Flesh, The Almost People


**i wish you knew** by planet p

**Disclaimer** I don't own _Doctor Who_ or any of its characters.

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><p>I do believe that you are alive, but you are not the same. Not the same thing, the same being. You are your own being. You share many memories, many "experiences", but this does not count for the same thing. You are separate, but alike, but no more alike than any living thing is to another living thing. Yes, you need to breathe, and you will need to eat - you need to run on something - but can't you see, can't you see what they haven't - haven't wanted to see, either? Don't be so naive. You are something new, someone new. You are your own person. You're not two people sharing the same soul, just two people sharing the same memories, up to a point. People who've had transplanted organs from another person do not suddenly become that other person; they stay themselves, but sometimes they take on some of that other person's... their tissue memory, perhaps, because the cells of the body remember. The body is important, important in the expression of a person's... being. If, in fact, people's bodies die but their souls are reborn anew, in new bodies, one day; they will not be the same person <em>exactly<em>.

He wants to tell Jen this. You are your own Jen. Don't you see? You're special, too, just like the first Jen. You'd never hurt her, would you - not like those other gangers we've heard about - because that would be like... like hurting your own sister. She is your sister, now, and you are hers. Isn't that wonderful, marvellous? A sister! A sibling! I think it's wonderful. Now you've... someone to care for, someone to be mad at sometimes, and someone to stick behind, at other times; someone who'll stick with you, too, because that's what family is about.

But he can't say all of this because it's so hard to say anything, to draw her out of that little, narrow world she's constructed in there, that all-important world. Come out into the light, Jen, he feels like saying. Come out of your room; it's too dark in there, so small in there. It's warm out here, too, and you're not alone. Come out and find out who you really are. Bouncing off your own walls won't teach you anything; you'll never find out who you are really if you don't interact with the world. Come out, darling, and see the world. Feel life! It's yours, now, and I'll fight for you, if need be - it's not right that they take it away from you, now. Give it, one moment, and take it back, the next. They don't understand. They don't want to, or they just can't. But _you_ can! Oh Jen, you can, can't you! You understand how wondrous, how precious it is!

Jen, Jennifer, darl, knowing this, then, understanding this, you won't hurt anyone, will you? That's their path, their life. You shouldn't interfere with it. It's their journey. Just... just accept that you're a part of it now, and you have your own path to walk. Yes, your path will cross over with others', but that doesn't give you the right to end anyone else's journey. No one has that right. When it ends, it ends, but no one should be able to decide that. Sometimes, things just happen. Everyone dies, but not really. But, by goodness, fight. Fight! But with your heart, always with your heart, because we _all_ have hearts. And if you fight with your heart, Jen, instead of your fists, instead of with Hurt and Pain as your weapons of choice, then sometimes, just sometimes, you win.

And that is worth everything and anything!

Even in this sad, lonely world, I found Amy, and Amy, she means the world to me, she honestly does, but we found each other, I found her and she found me. And it's great! She's the best thing in my life, Jen. Don't you want to find someone like that? Isn't that what living is all about? About feeling alive, feeling... like you mean something, like you want to go on. If all you feel is anger and pain and all you do is hurt and cause others pain, then how are you any different to a machine? A machine could do that, it doesn't take a genius; it takes no great skill. You don't need to be _alive_ to do that! But, Jen, you are alive! Don't waste it, don't disrespect it, just because you feel out of place, or left out, or mistreated. Then you're just mistreating yourself, too. You don't want to do that, because that's what so many, many people do, and that's why the world is how it is, that's why it's so sad and lonely, sometimes.

Jen, just live. Live, and find a way to love. You've a sister, now. That's great. And you've me, a friend. You've lots of friends. But, guess what, Jen, guess who your greatest friend is? If you want her to be. It's you, Jen. It's you! Only you can decide how you respond to the events of your life, only you can decide your mental attitude. Think about that little girl, out there all alone, lost on the moor. Think about her, Jen, and the woman she is now. She's a lovely, lovely woman. She works hard, and she's considerate of others. And so are you, Jen, so are _you_! You must be proud of that girl, that woman, though, really, you've only just met. I'm sure she's proud of you, underneath it all. Oh, she is. If she understood the way you did, she'd be so proud. Can you hold it against her, if she's been raised to believe in life the way she has, in such a... narrow-minded way. You know it all, Jen. Don't forget what she's had to go through, the... restriction, now that you're... liberated, now that you're you. It isn't so easy, you know. Adjusting to things like that. But you've done well with it, eh. You've pulled through. That's the problem, though, the slightest discomfort, one word, the littlest pinprick, and off you go, rushing into drastic, executive action. You can't let be, can't let yourselves think and just... take it in, adjust to it, get your head around it.

I mean "we", humans. We do have that problem, we always do it, perpetuate it. We're so impatient. And sometimes, when we're hurt, we don't want to let go of it because - suddenly - we've something that happened to _us_, us, in our life! We have a life, suddenly. We should let go of it, move on, best as we can, search for something that'll make that hurt look pale, in comparison, look weak, look rather trashy - maybe love - but we hang on 'til the last. And that's an awful, awful thing. It makes us cruel, sometimes, and it makes us mean, and stupid, and awful. But we're not only those things, we're so much... so, so much more!

You, Jen, are so much more. Now you know what it's like to live, you _know_, but you're still learning how it feels, so why don't you go out there and say, "I am alive! I'm alive, and I'm not going to die, because I'm a person, too, and I love it!" You know all about it from Jennifer, but you're not Jennifer, you're you, and you've so much still to learn, to feel, to experience, so much of your own, just like Jen does, Jennifer.

Oh, I know. I know! Because I remember. And life is _so_ much better than you think! Oh, it hurts, it really, really hurts, but that's living, Jen, that's being alive. It can hurt so much, but it can also be wonderful, you can also... be wonderful, fall in love, change the world!

I wish I could tell you all this, Jen. I wish I could just look into your eyes, or hold your hand, and you'd just _know_, the way you knew all of Jennifer's stuff, but I can't, so I hope you understand when I hold you, when I say it's going to work out all right. I hope you understand I'm fighting for you because someone should, because you're not all right, not just yet, and you need someone with you - Amy, oh, I love her so much, but, you see, she's already got me, and she's got the Doctor - but you, Jen, when I look at you, I see someone who's so down on herself, on the world, that you just need someone to reach out and say, "Hey, you. It's gonna be all right, you know." And I want so much to do that, to make you believe me. Because the instance you believe me, you start to live, really. You believe it inside yourself, and the world is so, so very different. So very new, but kind of the same, but kind of not. And love, love can change everything, not just hurt, not just pain.

I just want to see you happy, Jen, and I know you want to see that, too. I know you want to smile on the outside and really, really mean it on the inside. Everyone does, don't they? You see, you're a part of it now. The endless, timeless wheel. Life. You're a part of it and it's... comforting and terrifying all at once. But it'll get better. For me, it all made sense when I realised what it was I wanted to do with my life, that I wanted to help people, to be there for them, to be a nurse, and then, when I met Amy, that was just... that was... I don't even know how to describe it, you see. I know these things just happen, but it's... she's the best thing that ever happened to me, so it's a little hard to... to say, really, how great it is.

It's never just one thing, Jen. It never is. It's making friends, or losing them, it's figuring out your passion, your path in life, or falling in love. It's realising that you've been wrong, for a long, long time, but that you can change, you can do something about it; it's not too late. It's becoming a parent for the first time, or second time, or third time. It's saying goodbye to your own parents, or finding a place to settle down and call "home". It's feeling left out, and finding a way back in. It's all of this, and more. It's life, Jen. Life.

Don't you understand, now that I'm holding you? Because you're holding me, too. And we're both alive, Jen. You, too. You don't have to feel like you're not, like you've been handed the raw end of the stick, just because someone else thinks so. They're not you, Jen. But they can get to know you, and you can get to know them. Do you remember how it feels learning new things, making new friends? Jennifer remembers. It's great, Jen. But it doesn't always happen the first time you meet someone. It takes... time. Sometimes, a lot of time. You can be as real as anything, yet, you're not quite - well, you are real to them, just not... not on their radar. Until suddenly, one day, you appear, and Blam! It's a whole new world! It's crazy and it's amazing and you wouldn't want to miss it for the world!

Jen. Jen. You are alive. You _know_ that. There's no need to be frightened by it, to doubt it. It's real. Yes, you can die. Everyone can. But you can't die if you've never lived, Jen. That's how it goes. And you are alive!

It would be nice if you could smile. Inside. If you could feel the wonder, the joy, of it all. Of being alive. One day, you're gonna smile, Jen. For real. And you won't be the only one. People don't live on their own; humans. They're communal animals. Sometimes, when one of them yawns, another one does, too. When one of them breathes, all of the others do, too. (We all need to breathe.) And when one of us smiles, someone else smiles, too. And then _we're not alone_! And it's-

So very wonderful!

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><p><strong>I think it's because she reached out to him that Rory had to try and help her, really. Because that's what you do, when people need you. You help, if you can. Well, that's the sort of person Rory is. He mightn't be super clever or ultra confident, but he knows what he is and he's a decent person. He wants to be a good person and for that to be okay, too. For it to be okay to just be a good person and not all of those other things. He's got Amy, hasn't he. She's thinks he's a good person and pretty special. I think that's part of why he believes in himself enough to help Jen, because Amy's on his side and he knows this, he knows she's gonna be on his side, no matter what. He could probably show her that he's on the same side as her by following her around like he's her second shadow, or by trying to be clever, like the Doctor, but he doesn't see the point in stuff like that - why not let the Doctor do what he does best? - so he does what he can (for himself, for Amy, and for the group), he does the right thing. Because it's the right thing. (I actually like that it's not just the Doctor and Amy; I like that Rory's there, too. It makes it feel more... real, I guess.)<strong>

**Sometimes, I guess, you just have to be who you are, for yourself, so that, tomorrow, or in a week's time, or years later, down the track, you can look at yourself in the mirror, and that's maybe part of it, too, because, for Rory, that's who he is, that's the good part of him, wanting to help people, to connect with them. Maybe he doesn't always feel connected to them as much as, say, the Doctor, but that also means it's not so easy for him to just look at them and sort of overlook them, too... I don't know. (You know, when you think, **_**What's the point of me if I can't make a meaningful contribution (somewhere along the lines)?**_**) Yet, the Doctor's made loads of meaningful contributions, he's done all that, and sometimes he's seeing the big picture - yes, it has to be seen - but he forgets the little picture a little, too, or he knows he has to overlook it to still see the big picture. Like he wasn't very impressed with all of that "domestic" stuff when he was Nine.**

**Anyway, too much blab. Thanks for reading, I know it's not really a story, uck. See ya! :)**


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